What my daughter reminded me about boundaries
I was in the middle of a coaching session the other day when my client started talking about next year.
She wants to say no more often.
Put herself first.
Stop stretching herself so thin.
And as she was talking, a thought came to me.
More precisely… a question.
How often do you actually say:
“No, thank you.”
Not no thank you because…
Not no thank you followed by a verbal diarrhoea of over-explanation, justification, and semi-apologetic blabber.
You know the kind…The kind that’s really just a bunch of lies aiming to deflect from the unspeakable truth, you’re setting a boundary.
That got me thinking…
Is setting boundaries something we learn — or something we unlearn?
The answer came to me a few days later…
I was walking with my partner Sam, our daughter Harlow (who’s 4), and some of her school friends and parents on the way to the pub to celebrate the kids’ Christmas show.
Harlow was riding her scooter.
The other kids were walking.
One of her friends decided she wanted to borrow Harlow’s scooter.
Harlow said no.
The little girl got very upset (understandably — it is a very cool scooter).
Sam immediately stepped in and asked Harlow to share.
She said she didn’t want to.
He persisted.
And that’s when it hit me.
Harlow was stating a boundary. It was her scooter.
The little girl innocently tried to cross it, and Harlow stood firm.
See, we are innately excellent at knowing what feels OK and what doesn’t. But at some point, we’re taught to override that instinct and act according to what’s acceptable instead.
In that moment, Sam felt a little uneasy, maybe he worried about what the other parents might think, or maybe he feared Harlow would be excluded if she didn’t share.
But here’s the thing: His reaction had nothing to do with Harlow. It was a reflection of his discomfort.
And that’s how it starts.
Boundaries are something we unlearn because of other people’s limitations
I know what you might be wondering…”but Is there a risk in not teaching our children to share?
You’re asking the wrong question.
The goal of sharing is connection, and children learn this very early on. They quickly see the impact of not sharing their toys and adapt their behaviour naturally if you let them.
The real risk isn’t that they won’t share. The real risk is teaching them to override their inner “no”.
Children say no…and then they move on.
Adults, on the other hand? We say no, and then we panic.
Think about it.
How often does your “no” sound more like this:
• “I’m not drinking tonight… I’ve got an early gym session.”
• “I won’t come out, I’ve had such a busy week.”
• “No wine for me, I’ve got clients tomorrow.” (I still catch myself doing this one.)
As if “I don’t want to” isn’t a good enough reason. As if rest, clarity, or preference need to be justified.
What we’re really saying is:
Please don’t judge me.
Please don’t be uncomfortable.
Please still approve of me.
But here’s what’s interesting.
When you simply say “No, thank you.” And stop there.
It feels… exhilarating.
Uncomfortable, yes. But also liberating. Grounded. Powerful.
Why?
Because for a moment, you’re not managing anyone else’s emotions. You’re not negotiating your worth. You’re not betraying yourself to keep the peace.
You’re standing with yourself. And that’s a power move.
So here’s a life changing experiment for you
The next time you feel the urge to explain, justify, or soften your no…Pause.
And see what happens if you simply say:
“No, thank you.”
And let that be enough.
