“If you’ve ever wondered why you feel anxious about money even when you earn enough, this is usually not a financial problem. It’s a thinking pattern”
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I used to think I had money issues. Until I realised… I had a relationship-with-money issue.
15 years ago, I moved to London with one suitcase and a one-way ticket. I was 25. In an entry-level job in marketing, I was earning £1,800 a month. I found this slightly knackered flat on Brick Lane, four bedroom, one incredible rooftop with a view on the city, food market right at my doorstep, a dream for only £700 a month. It should have been fine. Tight, but fine. And yet… every single month, I was £300 overdraft.
Money just seemed to… disappeared.
Maybe you’ve felt that as well. Like no matter what you do… it just doesn’t seem to stay.
It looks like a money problem. But it isn’t.
At the time, I made it make sense.
“It’s because I don’t earn enough…itt’ll be better when I get a promotion.”
“It’s because of my student loan…It’ll be better when it’s paid off.”
“It’s because I went out too much this month…It’ll be better next month.”
It will be better when…was my 2009 top hit.
So I waited for things to change, for the world to provide me with the perfect circumstances for me to finally have more money on my bank account.
Fast forward five years.
Now I’m a marketing manage, I earn £4,000 a month.
Student loan… finally gone, less partying, but more dinners out, more brunches, more trips… more money, same problems. Actually… worse. Now I’m £800 into my overdraft every month.
Same pattern. Different numbers.
What I didn’t know then was that I was trying to fix an internal problem with external tools. I was looking for solutions in the wrong place.
“Money didn’t change the pattern. It just changed the scale of it.”
Why trying harder doesn’t work
This is where most people go.
“I need to be more disciplined.”
“I need to track everything properly.”
“I need a better system.”
And yes… those things can help.
But if that was the real issue… it would have worked already.
“We try to fix an internal pattern with external solutions. That’s why nothing sticks.”
The belief quietly running everything
Years later, during a coahcign session with my mentor, I landed on a thought that had been there all along:
“I’m bad with money.”
It felt true. Obvious, even.
But when I started to look deeper I realised, It was learned. My mum used to call me “un panier percé”. A basket with a hole in it, basically… “You can’t hold onto money.” This belief reinforced itself with time as the nature of belief is to be self preserving. They act as filters; they make us see a world where that belief is true, which makes us act accordingly, reinforcing the belief.
Your beliefs don’t just sit there… they start making decisions for you.
Definition:
A belief becomes identity when repeated thoughts are reinforced by behaviour until they feel like fact.
So instead of:
“I struggle with money sometimes”
It becomes:
“I am bad with money”
“You don’t act badly with money and then form the belief. You act from the belief and then prove it.”
The loop that keeps repeating
Every time money hit my account… I spent it, not because I had to, but because that’s what someone who is “bad with money” does. So I kept proving it, again and again and again.
“Repeating a belief through behaviour turns it into identity.”
At some point, you can’t tell what came first, the belief or the behaviour, but it doesn’t matter, because now it feels like truth, like a part of your personality.
“Beliefs are just thoughts. But when you prove them enough times, they feel like facts.”
Money is just the amplifier
This is where it clicked.
Money is an amplifier, If your relationship with it is good, it makes your life better. If it’s not… it makes it worse. So the issue was never how much I was earning, because technically… I always had enough (unless you cannot pay for your basic needs you probably do too). The issue was… I couldn’t hold onto it.
There’s research* showing that once basic needs are covered, more money doesn’t significantly reduce emotional stress.
“ Money acts as an amplifier. It magnifies existing thinking patterns rather than creating new ones..”
*Source: Kahneman, D. & Deaton, A. (2010) “High income improves evaluation of life but not emotional well-being” Published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences
What money really represents
When you look closer, the stress and anxiety we feel towards money isn’t really about numbers, It’s about self trust. For most people, money becomes linked to safety, roof, stability, control. And beyond a certain point, the fear isn’t:
“What if I run out of money?”
It’s:
“What if I can’t make more?”
“What if I can’t handle it?”
“What if I’m not capable?”
“Money stress is not caused by money. It is caused by what money is made to mean about safety and capability.”
Why it feels so real
The anxiety we feel around money… isn’t actually about money. It’s our mind trying to protect us
“Financial anxiety is a protection response, not evidence of real danger.”
Because to our system… money = safety, And lack of safety feels like danger. So what does it do? It creates urgency, It creates pressure and all of these “what if” scenarios.
“What if I run out?”
“What if I can’t handle it?”
“What if everything falls apart?”
Not because those things are really happening, but because your mind is trying to stop them from happening, It’s trying to keep you safe.
Definition:
Anxiety is a protective response triggered by perceived threat, not necessarily real danger.
It’s like being scared of the dark, the feeling is real but the danger isn’t always there.
“The feeling is real. The danger isn’t always.”
The moment things start to shift
At some point, I stopped asking:
“How do I stop being bad with money?”
And started asking:
What would I do… if I didn’t believe I was bad with money?
That question alone started changing things, because htisd is when I stopped tryign to fix myself and started to see the belief illusion that was driving my actions for what it was, a suggeciton, a belief, a story..not a truth, not an order. I began acing differently, I began catching the moment, right before I’d spend, right before I’d ignore it.
Just noticing:
“Oh… this is that pattern again.”
“The moment you see the pattern, you’re no longer inside it.”
External safety vs internal safety
Most people try to fix this externally.
More money.
More control.
More certainty.
But what they’re actually looking for is internal.
“I’ll figure it out.”
“I can handle things.”
“I’ll be okay.”
No amount of money replaces that.
That’s why someone can have very little and feel calm…
and someone else can have plenty and still feel on edge.
“No amount of money can replace self-trust.”
What actually changes things
Money isn’t the problem, the meaning attached to it is, and more importantly… what you think it says about you.
Because if money feels like safety, every fluctuation feels like a threat to your safety
But when you start to see that your safety comes from you… your ability to think, adapt, respond, money becomes more neutral, it becomes energy, sust something you use. Not something that controls how you feel.
Try this
So instead of asking: “How do I manage my money better?”
Start here:
What do I believe about myself when it comes to money?
And then…
What would I do… if that wasn’t true?
Don’t overthink it.
Just notice.
Because once you see the pattern… you stop automatically following it.
FAQ
Why do I feel stressed about money even when I’m earning enough?
Because money anxiety is not caused by income level. It is caused by perceived threat to safety. When that feels uncertain, the feeling stays, regardless of income.
Why do I keep repeating the same money patterns?
Because the behaviour is often coming from a belief you’re not questioning. When a belief feels like identity, your actions naturally align with it without you realising.
Is this just about discipline or budgeting?
Those can help on the surface. But if the underlying thinking pattern stays the same, the behaviour tends to come back. That’s why it often feels like starting over.
Why does spending sometimes come with guilt?
Because spending isn’t neutral in your mind. It’s linked to meaning. Good, bad, safe, risky. The guilt comes from that interpretation, not the action itself.
How do I actually change my relationship with money?
Not by forcing new behaviour first. By seeing the pattern that’s already running. Once that becomes clear, your responses naturally start to shift.
